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"Are you ok,Kim?"
December 22, 2009
Every time someone asks me that question, I say, “Im fine, thanks.”, but to be honest , Im not. Do people really want to know how you feel when they ask how are you? Or are they just trying to be polite. Next time, if someone asks me ‘how are you’, Im going to tell her, “Well, actually Im not very well at all, thank you. Im feeling a bit depressed and lonely. Pissed off at the world. Envious of you and your perfect relationship with him. And then ill tell her about how i started my new life and met lots of new people and how hard im trying to pick myself up but now im at a loss about what else to do. Then ill tell her how it pisses me off when someone says TIME IS A HEALER when at the same time they also say ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER, which really confuses me, because that means that THE LONGER HE”S GONE THE MORE I WANT HIM. Ill tell her that nothing is healing at all and that every morning I wake up in my bed it feels like salt is being rubbed into those unhealing wounds. And then Ill tell her how I miss him and how worthless my life it seems without him. And then ill tell her how many wet pillows i have every cold sleepless nights. Ill tell her why i dont want to be at home or any place we used to hangout. Ill tell her how much i hate senti music. And then Ill tell her how uninterested I am in getting on with things without him, and ill explain how i feel like im just waiting for my world to end. so, what do you think?”
cry
If anyone asks,
Ill tell them we’ve both just moved on.
When people all stare,
I’ll pretend that I don’t hear them talk.
Whenever I see you,
I’ll swallow my pride, and bite my tongue.
Pretend I’m OK with it all,
Act like there’s nothing wrong.
Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
Cry
If anyone asks,
I’ll tell them we just grew apart.
(I’ll tell them we just grew apart)
What do I care,
If they believe me or not.
(If they believe me or not)
Whenever I feel,
Your memory is breaking my heart.
I’ll pretend I’m OK with it all,
Act like there’s nothing wrong.
10-days-single
December 21, 2009
Days went by when i felt so happy and content and confident that my life would be ok, and then as quickly as the feeling came, it would disappear again, and i would feel the sadness setting in once more. I tried to find a routine that i could happily fall into so i would feel like i belonged in my body and my body belonged in this life, instead of wandering around like a zombie watching everybody else live theirs while here I am waiting around for mine to end. Unfortunately the routine hadnt turned out exactly as i hoped it would. I found myself immobile for hours in the living room reliving every single memory that we’ve shared. Sadly i spent most of the time thinking about every argument we have had, wishing I could take them back, wishing i could take every horrible word i said to him. I prayed that he had known my words had only been spoken out of anger and that they had not reflected my true feelings.
How can i possibly move on if even Im in the company of friends i still feel alone, in a room of a thousand of people i would feel alone and mostly when im at home i feel so alone.
I miss going to bed at night with absolutely nothing on my mind, i miss enjoying eating food instead of it becoming something i just have to endure in order to stay alive, i hate the butterflies i get in my tummy every time i remember him, i miss enjoying watching my favorite TV shows instead of their just becoming something i would stare at blankly to pass the hours. I hate the feeling like i have no reason to wake up. i hate the feeling when i did wake up. I hate the feeling of having no excitement or anything to look forward to.
i like this one!
Do You Believe
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That’s my point. We can’t see God because he isn’t there. He doesn’t exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time).
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she must not have one!
“FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT”